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The Not-Oscars 2012

February 21st, 2012 · Movies and Television

by X. Alexander

It’s that time of year again, folks! What I like to call “movie Christmas.” And like an actual holiday, the Academy Awards often end up as more of a disappointment than anything else — any Oscars handed out to not-so-great nominated films like Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close and The Iron Lady can be chalked up to the cinematic equivalent of “ugly sweaters from grandma we’ll throw in the back of the closet and never speak of again.” But it’s really the excitement leading up to the big show and the discussions of film it creates that make it all worthwhile.

So here’s where I like to make up for the Academy’s occasional lapses in good taste by recognizing the movies and performances that are really worthy of celebration. Because what has a group of thousands of filmmakers with decades of experience in the entertainment industry got on me?

At this point in time I’ve seen exactly 100 releases from the year 2011, which tells you exactly three things: 1) I am on obsessive, crazed film fanatic; 2) I had too much free time on my hands over the past twelve months; and 3) I am almost certainly more qualified to compose this list than you are. So listen to me.

You can catch my “Not-Oscars 2011″ and find more Oscar-y coverage & reviews of all these damn movies on my own blog at HardintheCity.com.

THE 2012 NOT-OSCARS

BEST ACTOR

Michael Fassbender, Shame
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Ryan Gosling, Drive
Michael Shannon, Take Shelter
Ewan McGregor, Beginners

Michael Fassbender being snubbed by the Academy is the year’s most startling, egregious omission (and actually, 2012 had some bad ones). As a self-loathing sex addict, his performance was almost unbearably intense the whole way through, and he ran the gamut of emotions in just those 2 hours. Meanwhile, Jean Dujardin is a large part of the reason why The Artist was such a delightful trifle and Ryan Gosling really came into his own as a leading man this year, playing the stoic stunt driver in Drive. Normally a supporting player, it was nice to see Michael Shannon take on a leading man role and Ewan McGregor was a charmer in Beginners; after a long run in blah movies in the early 2000′s, with this and The Ghost Writer and I Love You Phillip Morris, he’s back.

Honorable Mentions: Chris New & Tom Cullen, Weekend

BEST ACTRESS

Rooney Mara, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Jeong-hie Yun, Poetry
Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Anna Paquin, Margaret

I loved Noomi Rapace as Lisbeth Salander in the Swedish version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but Fincher’s film imbued the character with a little something extra and made Lisbeth a more tragic figure. The way this character was treated was far and away the best thing about the American version, and Rooney Mara totally disappeared into the role under all the piercings, tattoos, and attitude. It could easily have been a tossed-off, one-note performance instead of the one we got. Meanwhile, Jeong-hie Yun was a total delight as an absent-minded grandmother confronted with ambivalent evil in her grandson, while Mary-Kate and Ashley’s sister Elizabeth proved she’s the new Olsen to be reckoned with as a traumatized cult member. But let’s not forget Charlize Theron fearlessly playing a hard-to-like alcoholic bitch or Anna Paquin’s 6-year-old performance from the long delayed Margaret, as she plays a high school girl wrestling with her part in a stranger’s gruesome death. (Clearly, I like my women to suffer.)

Honorable Mentions: Kate Winslet & Jodie Foster, Carnage

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Albert Brooks, Drive
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love
Hunter McCracken, The Tree Of Life
Goran Visnjic, Beginners

I loved Christopher Plummer’s wonderful portrayal of a dying man who comes out of the closet in his twilight years — but he’ll probably win the Oscar, while Albert Brooks was flabbergastingly overlooked as the merciless villain of Drive. So he has the edge. Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling showed a new side to his acting chops in a role that was almost self-satirizing, while Hunter McCracken gave the best in a strong year for performances by young actors (Super 8, Hugo, Attack The Block, Hanna) — though Brad Pitt was very good, too. And Plummer’s strong work unfortunately overshadows a more subtle but very surprising performance by Goran Visnjic in the same movie.

Honorable Mentions: Patton Oswalt, Young Adult; Nick Nolte, Warrior

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Carey Mulligan, Shame
Cate Blanchett, Hanna
Jessica Chastain, Take Shelter
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Elena Anaya, The Skin I Live In

Shame is my favorite movie of 2011, so no surprise that two of my favorite performances come from it. Carey Mulligan matches the excellence of Michael Fassbender in every way playing his polar-opposite of a sister, who’s a little too carefree and comfortable around her big brother; how come no one’s talking about her full-frontal nude scene? Cate Blanchett was chilling as an offbeat “Big Bad Wolf” figure in Hanna, unfortunately forgotten; Jessica Chastain was in a whole slew of movies this past year, but Take Shelter was the best of them (she was equally impeccable in each). Meanwhile, Berenice Bejo was a gem in The Artist, totally evoking the qualities that made silent film actresses stars way back when, and Elena Anaya is captivating in The Skin I Live In even before you learn who she is. And once you do, you’re blown away.

Honorable Mentions: Helen McCrory, Hugo; Hayden Panettiere, Scream 4

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Weekend, Andrew Haigh
Beginners, Mike Mills
Take Shelter, Jeff Nichols
Attack The Block, Joe Cornish
Certified Copy, Abbas Kiarostami

Weekend‘s dialogue is so fresh and natural, it feels unscripted. But it couldn’t be improv, because the information we get from these characters is too detailed, too keenly placed. It’s masterful. Beyond that, Beginners skillfully weaves two parallel stories with a very rare case of excellent voice-over narration, Take Shelter is a riveting take on the thin line between mental instability and the apocalyptic dread we all face, Attack The Block is one of the year’s best premises, executed flawlessly, and Certified Copy is a bold intellectual brain-teaser. (Fun fact: all of these writers directed the movie, too.)

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Drive, Hossein Amini
The Skin I Live In, Pedro Almodovar & Augustin Almodovar
Fright Night, Marti Noxon
Jane Eyre, Moira Buffini
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Steve Zaillian

The Academy and I have zero movies in common as far as our favorite screenplays go this year. The adapted list is fairly weak, I think — I had to stretch to find more than a few. (I could easily have come up with another five originals, though.) Though short on dialogue from its hero, Drive is a riveting ride all the way through, while The Skin I Live In is a chilly thriller that raises all kinds of complicated moral questions. Buffy writer Marti Noxon delivered that show’s trademark humor and horror in the fantastically fun Fright Night, while Jane Eyre was about the best Jane Eyre adaptation you could ever hope for. And while I wish The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo solved more of the book’s structural problems, Zaillian made some excellent enhancements to the story in the expository scene with the villain and also breathed new life into the familiar character of Lisbeth Salander.

BEST DIRECTOR

Shame, Steve McQueen
Drive, Nicholas Winding Refn
Hanna, Joe Wright
Poetry, Chang-dong Lee
The Tree Of Life, Terrence Malick

Not surprisingly, these hew pretty close to my list of the year’s best movies for the most part, with one exception. This year I tended to reward movies either as “writing movies” or “direction & performance” movies, while few seemed equally strong on both fronts. These are the directors who brought style and urgency to what, on the page, might not have amounted much in the hands of a lesser director. Aside from the more subtle Poetry, these are pretty flashy movies with filmmaking that makes you take notice and leaves you breathless. The Tree Of Life may not have quite made it into my Top 10, but I am still quite impressed with the scope Malick took on and his unparalleled visuals.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

The Tree Of Life
Drive
Shame
Hanna
Melancholia

Seriously, The Tree Of Life is more like a piece of art than a movie. It’s so beautiful I want to hang it on my wall and have it silently playing 24/7.

BEST ENSEMBLE

A Separation
Bridesmaids
Margaret
Attack The Block
Like Crazy

*

And now for the new categories, stolen from MTV, Filmspotting, and some I created specifically for these awards!

BEST OPENING SCENE
Drive

BEST FINAL SCENE
Poetry

BEST OPENING & FINAL SCENES WITH A LACKING MIDDLE
Melancholia

BEST DATE MOVIE
The Artist

WORST DATE MOVIE
Contagion

BEST BREAKUP MOVIE
Like Crazy

 

BEST VILLAINS
Cate Blanchett & Tom Hollander, Hanna

BEST ANIMAL
Cat, The Future
Dog, The Artist
Dog, Beginners
Horse, War Horse
Hamster, Carnage

BEST KISS
Ryan Gosling & Carey Mulligan, Drive

BEST FUCK
Michael Fassbender & Everyone, Shame

BEST KILL
Christina Hendricks, Drive

BEST DRIVING
Ryan Gosling, Drive

WORST DRIVING
Mark Ruffalo, Margaret

MOST UNJUSTLY DELETED SCENES
Scream 4

BEST DOUBLE FEATURE
The Tree Of Life & Kaboom
Another Earth & Melancholia
Attack The Block & Super 8
Shame & Young Adult
Take Shelter & Bellflower

LONGEST MOVIE THAT’S NOT THAT LONG
Tuesday, After Christmas

BEST TWIST
The Skin I Live In
Certified Copy
A Separation

GAYEST MOVIE
Dirty Girl

STRAIGHTEST MOVIE (tie)
Moneyball & Warrior

MOST BI-CURIOUS MOVIE
Shame

MOST SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS MOVIE
Heartbeats

BEST “WHITE GIRL PROBLEMS” MOVIE
Jane Eyre

BEST BAD MOVIE
Trespass

WORST “GOOD” MOVIE
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

MOST OVERRATED (tie)
The Descendants & Melancholia

*

That’s it for 2012! You can find my picks for “Best Picture” here.

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Madonna Reveals Album Artwork for MDNA

January 31st, 2012 · Music

by Austin Helms

As Queen Madge gets ready to rule in 2012, she’s not keeping her fans in too much suspense. Today, she released the cover art for her new album MDNA. Flawless, gorgeous, spot-on… We can’t wait.

MDMA Madonna

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Gov. Christie Needs to Get His Shit Together

January 26th, 2012 · Gay Issues, Politics

by Austin Helms

Governor Christie

Late last week, marriage equality groups in New Jersey announced their intentions on getting an Equality Bill passed through the state’s Senate. At first, it looked promising as Gov. Christie stayed suspiciously silent on the issue.

However, earlier this week, the ol’ fat man said he would veto any marriage equality bill that came across his desk. No surprise there. But then he went on to explain why: Apparently, it should be up to the voters of New Jersey to decide. “Put it on the ballot!” he declared.

Of course, many people called “bull shit” on the Governor. The civil rights of a minority has never been determined by a majority vote. Even our friend over at @LGBTFacts we met yesterday tweeted that. It’s the very reason we have things like a Congress and, more importantly, a judicial system–the protect the rights of the minority over the will of the majority.

This is nothing new to equality fighters everywhere. However, the brave men and women over at the NJ Star-Ledger joined in the fight by calling Gov. Christie’s stance “not serious” and a “political dodge”.

We salute you, NJ Star-Ledger editorial staff. While we in New York love to be the destination getaway for gay weddings, we certainly want our sister state to join in on the fun.

Read the entire opinion piece here: On Gay Marriage in N.J., Gov. Christie Tries a Political Dodge

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How New Yorkers See the Rest of the Country

January 26th, 2012 · New York City

by Austin Helms

This map we borrowed (*ahem* stole) from FabApp BFF Stevie NYC, but we didn’t think he’d mind.

I found this image to be pretty accurate. I’m also just happy that Texas got the bad reputation for being homophobes, while my home state of Mississippi just got the “grits and deep fried twinkies”. Yum.

Click to enlarge:

USA as Seen by a New Yorker

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Twitter Hashtag #LGBTFacts Hijacked!

January 25th, 2012 · Gay Issues, In the News

by Austin Helms

Gay TwitterForget Elton John and Madonna, today saw a Twitter war like none other.

Twitter user @LBGTFacts has, as of last week, started a stream of tweets to spread “the truth about the abhorrent homosexual lifestyle”. You know, truth like “Pedophile priests in the Church are closet liberal homosexuals acting out fantasy & trying to tarnish Church’s rep”, and “Homosexuals cannot have children naturally, they must steal children from other families.”

Well the pro-gay community would have none of it. Other Twitter users started using the hashtag #LGBTFacts to start tweeting more “facts” and override the original intent of the hashtag. Bigotry #fail, humor and wit #FTW.

Here are a few of FabApp’s favorite #LGBTFacts tweets:

@GodH8sWindbags #LGBTFacts@LGBTFacts #LGBTFacts@WizardBrian #LGBTFacts@Clarknt67 #LGBTFacts@amongthegoblins #LGBTFacts@andimarquette #LGBTFacts

@shortstack81 #LGBTFacts@samclifford #LGBTFacts@mikestuchbery #LGBTFacts

 The only thing funnier than reading these tweets are reading the ones @LGBTFacts actually put up himself.

Have any #LGBTFacts to share? Comment below!

 

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5 Reasons Why Gays Should Love Football

January 23rd, 2012 · New York City, Sports

by Austin Helms

Gay Football

With the New York Giants win over the San Francisco 49ers this weekend, New York City has something to be excited for and proud of as the Giants move to the Super Bowl on February 5. Yes, the FabulousApple is talking about sports. Before you click away, we know that professional football isn’t a stereotypical “gay thing”. However, for those who could care less about sports, we would like to offer up 5 alternate reasons to try to get you in the Super Bowl spirit this year.

Madonna is performing the Halftime Show
Let’s start with the obvious. Queen Madge will be strutting her stuff during the halftime show, so we will have to tune in. Do you think she’ll do something off the new album? Or maybe some classic Material Girl type songs. Our hope is that she’ll just stick to tracks off of Erotica. Fitting, right?

Gay Football 3Football pants give anyone a great ass
It seems to be the general consensus that pro athletes are attractive people. They workout for a living, have to be in the public spotlight, and always have to be ready for when Sports Illustrated calls for a cover. But besides all that, have you seen what a pair of spandex football pants can do for one’s ass? Take into account that they spend a majority of the game bending over, and you have one entertaining viewing experience.

Knowledge of the game will impress your boyfriend’s father
Or in my case, my boyfriend’s lesbian mother. Either way, there’s nothing like a televised game to facilitate prime bonding time with your significant other’s parents. Just make sure that you’re rooting for the same team. If you don’t have a boyfriend, just consider watching the Super Bowl a chance to brush up on your football terms for when that oh-so-special day arrives.

Three words: Puppy Bowl 2012!
For those who will need a break from all the grunting and man-on-man action (yes, we’re still talking about football here), pop a few channels over or the annual Puppy Bowl! This program has a group of adorable puppies in a miniature arena “playing” football. It really doesn’t make any sense, but it’s just sooooo cute. Also, don’t forget about the commercials that air during the Super Bowl–some of the best of the year.

Gay Football 2PARTY!
And at the very least, the Super Bowl allows for some of the best parties. Make yours a “frat boy” theme with beer (hopefully in keg form), nachos, pigs-in-a-blanket (still talking food here), Jello shots, hamburgers, hot dogs, whatever. If you’re inclined to make it a little more of a sexy party, make jock straps a requirement. You never know; it could go in that direction.

If you’ve never given football a chance, you may be surprised about how fun it is to sit in a room of die-hard Giants fans next Sunday. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself jumping to your feet at each touchdown or even cursing out a bogus play. Fandom is addicting.

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Shit New Yorkers Say

January 20th, 2012 · New York City

by Austin Helms

Eliot Glazer with Bagel

So I hate that I’m jumping on the “shit people say” bandwagon, but this video was too relatable not to. From train and cab frustration to seeing celebrities to the prevalent dog issue, this video covers all the things that make New Yorkers who they are.

Of course, it’s slightly more bitchy than what we really are… but only slightly.

Enjoy this video by sibling Eliot and Ilana Glazer.

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Obama’s Got Mad Singin’ Skillz

January 20th, 2012 · Music, Politics

by Austin Helms

Obama Singing at the Apollo

Say what you will about our current president, but the man definitely has some swag. Yesterday, while addressing a crowd at the historic Apollo Theatre, saw the Rev. Al Green in the audience and broke out into song. The best part? He can actually sing!

Obama will certainly be a personality to contend with in the upcoming election. You don’t see Newt Gingrich charming… well, anyone, do you?

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Curtains Down, Clothing On for Naked Boys Singing

January 19th, 2012 · Theater

by Austin M. Tracy

Naked Boys Singing!

There is an old saying that if you’re nervous while being up in front of a group of people just imagine the audience in their underwear. For the past twelve years a group of men have taken that and gone even further… in the opposite direction. Naked Boys Singing! is the second longest running off Broadway show (second only to the Fantasticks!) and it is with great sadness that at the end of the month on January 28th these boys will be throwing ON the towel, with their final show running here in New York City at New World Stages.

I had an interesting introduction to NBS! five years ago when I was studying theatre arts at a little university in southeast Michigan. The newest musical theatre professor had become famous for touring Oklahoma AND for being one of the original Naked Boys. The stories I would hear about what happened behind the stage with NBS! gave this otherwise overly exposed show a sense of family, familiarity and accomplishment (from meeting former Naked Boys, to hearing about how the people in the other theatre would harass these naked men when they were off stage, to how my professor met his life partner).

After five years of naked stories I finally saw NBS! for the first time a couple of weeks ago, thanks to my former professor’s partner who is in fact one of the final OBC Naked Boys. I showed up tanked partially because seeing a show entirely with naked men seemed a little over the top for even this pro-naked-man-loving-horny-slut, that and seeing my professor’s partner naked. It was with great excitement that these boys bared it all. They bared prime acting ability, beautiful voices, as well as some extremely gorgeous bodies. Not only that but the show was extremely fun, silly, and relatable, if you can believe it.

Afterwards, I was able to throw some drinks back with the cast who are all extremely friendly (including the one straight guy who, unfortunately, was the one I was eying out of the cast). All of which, with or without clothes were wonderful people.

Naked Boys Singing! may seem somewhat of an odd piece of Broadway history, but it’s definitely been an important piece for over the past decade– not necessarily for the content, but for giving a fun place where boys bare it all. It is definitely a great loss for the Off-Broadway scene. With only a few more shows, you definitely should grab a drink and grab a ticket, because these boys won’t be naked forever. And you won’t want to miss them… and everything they’ve got.

See Naked Boys Singing!, playing Thursday and Saturday nights through the end of January at 8:00pm at New World Stages.

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Los Angeles to Porn Industry: Wrap It Up

January 18th, 2012 · Gay Issues, Sex

by Austin Helms

Condoms

Los Angeles will now mandate that all adult film actors wear a condom while on the job. Yesterday, LA County Council voted 9-1 to enact the bill that was introduced last night. The city now becomes the first in the nation to pass such a mandate.

This move by the county council has much of the porn giants in a tizzy. Considering that around 75% of the country’s adult film industry is based in LA, this could cause a dramatic shift in porn production.

We at FabApp have conflicting feelings about this. We definitely agree that sexual safety should always come first. We would like to think that porn companies are taking all the necessary precautions to keep their actors disease free with regular screenings. Also, porn stars know what they’re getting into when then agree to bareback porn.

However, on the other hand, porn producers can only do so much. Our good friend over at Dominic Ford (NSFW) once told us that most STD infections in the porn companies happen when actors are off set and are transmitted without the actor’s knowledge. Also, FabApp pal Dan Avery pointed out in his article on the subject on Queerty that actors have always had to wear the proper safety equipment when engaging in risky behavior.

Of course, this could prove a great thing for NYC gays. Maybe all of our favorite sex idols will make the move cross country for laxer rules.

We’re curious to hear what you think. Is this a responsible move by Los Angeles? Or should bareback porn stars be allowed to continue their business unhindered? Comment below.

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